Posts Tagged: relationship

4. “I’m tired.”

On June 3, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

“I’m tired.”

These are words that have been coming up over and over again in the last year.  And when I say them tears come to my eyes.  And when I first realized this about a year ago, I had no clue what they meant to me.  I only knew then that it was related to my job.  And I knew that it was not a physical tired but an emotional tired.  I continued to try to sort out what this tiredness meant to me and my career on my own.  I would have moments of vulnerability with friends where I would share what I was experiencing.  But reality is that I could not figure it out.  And as time keep going I become more emotionally tired and I cried much easier than before.  I did not understand the emotions that was experiencing.  I am a person likes to know why and so I do not do well when I am experiencing emotions that I don’t understand.

While this was all going on in me, I kept this persona of a strong and independent woman.  Because I did everything (lived, worked and worshipped) in my community and the role I had in my community as an advocate/social worker; I had to be those things.  Or I believed I had to be.  I was the one that people came to when most were at their lowest point.  My job was to empower them through these moments, show them hope in the hopeless situations and provide resources for them to move forward in life.

While I was doing helping others dream for themselves, inside over time I had quit dreaming.  I had allowed life to stifle my creativity.  I had allowed my own exhaustion to take over when I had down time.   If I did not have plans after work or on the weekends, I would just go home and watch TV.  I was too exhausted emotionally to do anything else.  I would try to work on things and it would take me much longer than it needed to.  I was not motivated to do things that I needed to do once I was home.

October of last year, I decided that I needed to go to counseling since I was not figuring things out on my own.  In the beginning my counselor, asked me if I think I am depressed.  And I would tell her “no because I don’t have what I consider the typical signs of depression.”  It was not until this spring that I was willing to admit that my counselor was right.  When I really looked at what happened and how I coped with things, reality is that I was going through a depression and I did not even know it.  And when I was asked about it, I was not willing to admit it.  There were several reasons as to why I wasn’t willing to admit it.

Part of it was pride – I was the one people come to when they needed help.

Part of it was stigma of society – There is a stigma that society carries about depression and everything that comes with it.

Part of it was that I had to admit that I was weak and that I do not have it all together. – For all my adult life, I had been this strong and independent woman because I had to be.  And admitting that I was depressed was admitting that I am not as strong as I thought because I could not do it on my own.

In this last couple months, I was really honest with myself and where I truly was and am at emotionally.  And I have come to realize that it is ok for me to admit this.  Because when I admit this.  I am admitting that I can not do life alone and that I need my Creator to lead me through this journey.

And that in my darkest moments, He is right there with me.  “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

He has the clarity and direction that I need.  “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

He has the provision that I need.  “And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” 2 Corinthians 9:8

He has this unconditional love that I need.  “neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:39

He has the peace that I need.  ” Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

He has the joy I need. “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” John 15:11

He has the strength I need. “But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; shall run and not be weary; shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

He has a plan for me and my life even in my broken and empty state.  “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

 

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1. My wake up call

On May 9, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

In the spring of 2018 I was headed to The Living Room, a young adult church service, I asked God to wreck me that night (be careful what you ask God for).  Boy, He did! During worship I cried through it all. When I thought about my job/career, I just cried and I did not know why.  The only word that came to mind is that I am tired.  God continued to wreck my life in that last year.

In the fall, I had another encounter with God at The Living Room.  I cried through worship again especially when I thought about my job.  But there was nothing in particular that I could pinpoint.  The only thing that came to mind that I was tired.  I did not completely understand what that meant but I knew it was emotionally.

I would talk to co-workers and friends about what I was feeling but not understanding what I was feeling and why.  And every time I talked about it, I would get teary eyed.  I finally decided to go for counseling to help me understand what I was feeling.  It is frustrating when you have feelings but you don’t understand or know where your feelings come from.

These feelings would cycle every couple months.  And each cycle it would get stronger and worse.  My last cycle came at the end of March 2019.  This cycle lasted a couple days with off and on periods of crying.  It ended with a day where it seemed like everything fell apart.  I could no longer keep my front up that everything was ok. I am known as the strong one with my family and friends. I had to be vulnerable with people that are in my life that day because my emotions could not be held in as I had done so many times before. I had to admit that I was struggling. I cried so much that day that I did not think it was possible for me to have that many tears in my eyes and that there would be tears left in my tear ducts.  I remember feeling so broken.

But this day was a wake up call for me.  It was this day that I realized that I was willing to admit that I was experiencing burn out and depression because of the burn out.  That day I realized that I needed to make a change in my life.  Because if I didn’t it would not be healthy for me or for the people that I am serving.

God was present with my through the whole day.  He placed people in my life that took time in their day to stop, listen and pray for me.  I am grateful for the community that He placed in my life to help me get through this day.

One of the things that kept going through my head in this last cycle of burnout, was that I have been in the same career for 10 years, which was social work.  If I didn’t do social work, what would I do? Can I truly start over with my career?  Will I be able to pay my bills if I leave my current job?  Could I actually do it?  Will I fail? Do I have enough of confidence and trust in God to walk away from what I have known for so long?  There were so many questions that kept cycling in my mind over and over again as I thought about maybe starting all over in life again.

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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Lessons in the Storm

On December 6, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Recently I have been faced with one of the hardest things that I have had to go through in my adult life.  While I am still in the midst of it all, there are a few things I have learned in last couple weeks.

  • I have learned that no matter what my circumstances are God never changes, His love for me never changes and His character never changes.  Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”  And in life’s hardest moments, He remains faithful.  He is here as a quiet still and peaceful presence through the storm.

He is here with me in my sadness.

He is here with me in the joyous moments.

He is here with me in the moments that I don’t understand.

He is here with me when I pretend to be ok and ignore my feelings.

He is here with me when I don’t understand my feelings and can’t put a name to it.

 

  • I have learned that having community/relationships is so vital to get through life.  And it is in community that I have be vulnerable.   In being willing to share with others and I realize that I am are not alone.  Being vulnerable is risky but it is so worth it.  There is healing that can happen for myself and the other person(s) when I am vulnerable.

 

  • Allowing the community to love and care for me is important.  I am good at caring for others but I am not always good at letting others care for me. When I don’t allow others to do this for me, it robs them of the gift to care for me.  And as humans, we are created for relationship and community.  And a healthy community cares for each other.

 

  • I have learned to live in a tension of not knowing the truth but while still dealing with my emotions that may or may not be based out of reality.  It is not an easy tension to live in but is a necessary tension for me to live in.  But as I live in this tension I also rest in God.  I rest because I trust in Him as He can see whole puzzle and I only see my pieces and those pieces around me.

 

  • I have learned to admit that I am not ok when I am not ok.  And that life is hard sometimes.  And this is a hard for me to learn.  I have kept a protective wall around me that not many people pass through in general, especially when I am not doing ok emotionally.  I have learned in life to have this wall there because of past hurts and it is easier to not let people in when there is a chance to be hurt again.  But when I keep people at an arm’s length, I am only putting myself on an island.  In this island, I am on my own trying to survive and it is much harder than it needs to be sometimes.  And if I take myself off the island and take down the wall, I will not be alone and I will have others who will be there to walk beside me in life.

There is a song that I have been identifying with the last couple weeks.

Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
‘Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s all right if I’m not all right
‘Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life

“Maybe It’s Ok”by We are Messengers.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl5GcRrJLyw&w=560&h=315]

  • I have learned that grief and sadness goes in ebbs and flows. While I am ok most of the time, there are moments where it will comes what seems like out of nowhere.  And I have learned to allow myself experience the emotion that comes with it but not allow myself to stay there longer than I need to be.

 

  • I have learned to praise God in the midst of the storm.  It is in the storm that the praise is even more sweeter than when the storm ceases.  When I praise God in the midst of the storm, I am putting my eyes on Him rather than the storm.  He is more powerful than the storm that is in my life.  He provides peace in the midst of the storm.

 

While I don’t know when this will end, I do know that God with me in the midst of the storm.  He is teaching me new things in this storm.  I trust Him in the midst of the storm.

If you are going through a hard season in life, look at what you can learn through it all.  Look to the peace in the storm rather than focusing on the storm.

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The Waiting Place

On November 29, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

God has been teaching me patience and to wait on his timing for probably the most of my life.  There are times in life that I have felt like I was in the waiting place(according to Dr. Seuss) for a long time and in many ways I am still in the waiting place.  Excerpt from Oh The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss:

“You can get so confused

that you’ll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.”

It is in this waiting place that we often get impatient and frustrated with God and life. And we can ruin what God make have in store for us.  Granted God can use us in all situations to even if its not in His plan but for His glory.  But where we may end up might not be as good as God intended us to be.  We humans have a way of getting in the way of God because we think that we know best for us.  But in reality the creature(us) does not see the whole picture like the Creator(God) does.  So how can we know what is best for us over the Creator that created us into existance.

Sometimes we need to stay in this waiting place for God to prepare us for something greater than we can imagine.  The waiting place is not an easy place to be but it is in that waiting place we can experience the peace and love of our Creator.  Even though we may have no idea what is going to happen next.  In uncertain times, there can be peace and joy because we have our Creator walking beside us in life.

Do I have life all figured out?  No, I will never on this earth but I do know that I am a child of God who has a God that loves me more than I can imagine and fathom.  (It still amazes me that God would love me and that He wants a personal relationship with me with millions of people on this earth.)  And I would rather be in the waiting place with my Creator than in a place on my own.  When we are in this waiting place, we need to sit back allow God to do the work and be ready to follow His calling for our lives out of the waiting place.

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The costs of being jaded

On July 6, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

I have been in social services for almost 10 years and in these 10 years I seen and experienced a lot.  I have gotten to meet many people through the years.  Many I was able to help but more importantly there were many that taught me life lessons.  I think of the man who taught me how to be present and actively listen rather than think of the next thing I am going to say or do  I think of the individuals who have worked so hard to get ahead but life keeps hitting them with hard moments.  But they chose to continue working towards their goals and not allow life circumstances to determine their direction of their life.

As I continued to work in social services, I became jaded.  Webster’s dictionary defines jaded as: fatigued by overwork or made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience or by having or seeing too much of something.  And I almost wore this jaded filter as a badge of honor.  I thought it was okay to view my clients that I worked with through this jaded filter.  In some ways, I thought I was being wise when I looked at my clients with this jaded filter.  I remember telling a coworker that I can tell she is early on in her career because of the hope and optimism that she has in a situation with a client.

I was on the way to work one morning and someone was talking on the radio about people who are jaded.  And how this jaded filter is not something that we should have.  It caught me by surprise but the more I thought about it, I realized this person was right.

I believe that every decision and belief have reactions with they good, bad or both. And having the jaded filter has reactions in our lives and the lives of those around us.  The problem with being jaded especially in social services, you are indirectly telling that person they are going to fail with what ever they are working towards.  And being jaded causes you to be cynical rather hopeful not only in the lives of our clients but also in our own lives.  Being jaded also has you always looking for the worst in a person or you have the belief that the person will never change.

I think often we adapt this jaded filter because it “protects” us from being hurt or vulnerable with others.  Another thing that happens when you have a jaded filter for a long time is that you quit dreaming for yourself and others.  This keeps most of our relationships more at a surface level and we miss the blessing that can comes from being willing to walk beside someone in their journey.

And the last affect that the jaded filter has, we are deciding the future for the person from our point of view.  We are believing what society, life circumstances or labels say about someone rather than what God says about them and who they are.

When in relationships with people, we need to be wise but we also need to be willing to get vulnerable and show them that their journey matters to us and more importantly to God.  And live in a way that others see that the belief that no one is too far gone and that they can be redeemed by God.  And they can live in the blessings that God has for them.  We are called to build relationships with others and God, walk the journey with them and believe in others even when they do not believe in themselves.

So have you become jaded?  If so what is being jaded costing you and those around you?

 

 

 

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You still created me!

On February 19, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

You knew the shame and guilt I would struggle with and you still chose to create me!

You knew my failures in my life and you still chose to create me!

You knew the fears that would hold me back and you still chose to create me!

You knew my frustrations and you still chose to create me!

You knew my struggles and you still chose to create me!

You knew the insecurities I would struggle with and you still chose to create me!

You knew the pain and hurt I would carry and you still chose to create me!

You knew there were things I am going to choose over you and you still chose to create me!

You knew everything about me and you still chose to create me!

I created you because I knew that this world needed you in it.  I created you for a purpose that only you can fill.  And guess what, when I created you I told all of heaven with delight “look there is my beautiful daughter!”  “My daughter, I love you more than you can imagine.  Daughter, just as the grains of sand at the beach, the stars in the sky and the rain drops in a rain storm can not be counted.  My love for you can not be counted.”

 

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It is Well

On January 12, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

In life, we have some days when we are celebrating and other days when we are struggling.  But no matter where we are at in any particular day, we can have a peace in our Father.  The song “It is Well with my soul” was written in some of the toughest circumstances.  But yet the writer, Horatio G. Spafford, was still able to say it is well with my soul.

Although Horatio was a successful business man in Chicago, him and his wife had several loses within a couple years.  They lost their son at a young age in 1871.  Then went on to lose most of his business the same year in a fire.  Two years later, Horatio’s wife Anna and his 4 daughters were on a ship headed to Europe from the U.S.  The ship they were collided with another ship.  As a result of the collision, his four daughters died.  Anna was the only one that survived from the family.  Anna sent a message to Horatio “Saved alone, what shall I do?”  Horatio booked a passage to join his wife.  While he was on the ship headed to his wife, he wrote this song.

“When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
What ever my lot you have taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Though the devil will ruin, though trials may come
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And He shed His own blood for my soul

It is well, with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul

And Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight
And the clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul” by Horatio G. Spafford

This is one of the most beautiful hymns written in history.  Some of the most beautiful things come out of the most broken people or circumstances.  This song was written by a man whose heart was broken and lost almost everything in a short span of time.

After hearing this story, this song has become my favorite hymn.   It is also reminder to me that even when life is hard and it does not make sense, it is well with my soul.  Because of who my Savior is.  He is Sovereign, Prince of Peace, the ultimate Lover, Comforter, Rock, Redeemer and Deliver.

So when life is tough, confusing, uncertain and painful, we can say it is well with my soul because of who our Savior is.  I challenge you to find joy and peace in your Father as Horatio did in tragic times.  It is in these moments that when we find what we need in God, we are hopeful  And hope is what gives the strength to go to the next moment and to keep going from there.

 

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FexGqNDBK3g&w=560&h=315]

 

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Jesus Loves You More!

On December 17, 2017 by marloandco With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

Recently I was thinking about the saying “I love you more.”  This is commonly said among those in a romantic relationship or parental and child relationship.  As I thought about it,  I was reminded that Jesus loves you more.  This love is greater than anything in our human mind could even begin to comprehend.  It is so great that Jesus laid down His own life for me and you so that we do not have to take the ultimate consequence for sin.  The ultimate consequence of sin is separation from God, our Creator, eternally.

The amazing thing about this love is that there is nothing we can do to change this love from God and Jesus!   “I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.” – Romans 8:38-39

There are times that we do things that we may think we have messed up and God is not going to love me or forgive me or give me grace anymore.  This is where we are wrong!  And the fact that we are wrong is a beautiful thing.  God created us and as the Creator He has gigantic love for His creation.  A love that our human mind can only comprehend a fraction of.  Think of a time when you have created something.  You are proud of and love this creation that you made and the purpose that creation was created for.  This isn’t much that creation can do that would not cause you to love it.  Now take that love and pride that you have for your creation and multiple that by an infinite amount of times.  This is the love that God has for you!!

This is the simple gospel.  A Creator who loves us so much that He wants to show us this love in something as simple as having a relationship with Him.  As in any relationship the more time you spend with someone and get to know them, deeper the love you have for this person.  This is how it is with God.  We need to put aside the things that we think we need to gain His love.  And just get back to the basics of building a deeper relationship with our Creator.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jY_TDm5jS0M?ecver=2]

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God celebrates baby steps

On November 17, 2017 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Sometimes in life we think that we need to have do big milestones before we can celebrate or before God celebrates with us.  And because of this we become paralyzed and might not start anything at all.  Or we don’t think baby steps that we started are worth celebrating.

But in reality God celebrates every step we take.  And He especially celebrates the baby steps.  Sometimes the hardest steps are the baby steps because it may mean the beginning of something new.  Many times, there is uncertainty in it.  Which requires us to trust in God when we are taking these first baby steps.

These baby steps could lead to a milestone in our lives.  For me one of my milestones in my life is to be the first one in my family to graduate from high school and college.  While these are great accomplishments and God celebrated with me when they were accomplished!  But God also celebrated every time I was dedicated to study for a class.  Studying for a class is many baby steps of a larger goal of getting a diploma.

It is hard for me to fathom in my human brain that God has the time to care about my baby steps.  The amazing thing is that I don’t need to figure that out for me to celebrate my baby steps.  As a human, we are not meant to put God in a box.  And this is something we do often when we try to figure out God.  So, when I put aside my human rationalization, it is exciting for me that I have Father who created the universe rooting for me and celebrating every step of my journey.

As society, I believe we do not celebrate enough. There are many examples in the Bible of celebration.  “We see celebration not only here in Nehemiah 12, as Israel dedicated the wall, but we also see celebration throughout the Bible. The shepherds, wise men, and angels celebrated the birth of Jesus with gifts, songs, and prayer. God gave Israel many celebrations in the Old Covenant such as the Feast of Booths, year of Jubilee, etc. In the New Covenant, he has given us the Lord’s Supper and baptism. We also see future celebrations such as the wedding of the Lamb and the wedding feast with Abraham.”  We sometimes think it is trivial to celebrate the baby steps.  Baby steps give us the hope to keep going to the next steps.  And eventually many baby steps lead to a milestone goal completed.

So celebrate baby steps whether they are yours or someone else’s because our Creator celebrates them!

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God reminders and lessons

On October 12, 2017 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Recently life has thrown some challenges at me and my family.  Some of the challenges could be enough to shake someone’s faith.  Some of the things are big and life changing.  There are a few things I learned along that way or that I have been reminded of; as I deal with and process the events that have been happening.

First, that God is still good and sovereign no matter what life puts in my path.  And He walks right beside me as I walk through the trials of life.  These trials in life did not surprise Him.  He knew they were coming.  I am grateful that this is a foundation in my life because without this life would be much harder than it already is.  “The LORD is good to all, And His mercies are over all His works.” – Psalms 145:9

Second, the peace of God is worth more than the most expensive item on earth!  If you don’t have peace it robs you of the amazing things that God has in store for you and your life.  I am grateful that I have His peace as I journey through life.  “For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain. My covenant of blessing will never be broken,  says the Lord, who has mercy on you.” – Isaiah 54:10

Third, my strength come from the Creator of all things.  There are times I feel weak and do not feel strong enough to go through the battles of life.  I have realized my strength comes from Him and not from myself.  On my own I will never be strong enough.  I will always be weak on my own without Him.  This is a relief knowing that I do not have to strong and that I can go to my Father for the strength I lack.  “The Lord will give strength to His people; the Lord will bless his people with peace. – Psalm 29:11”

Fourth,  my emotions and life circumstances will not dictate on whether I have joy and peace.  Sure I will have days where emotions will be strong and life circumstances will be hard.  Because I am human!  But they can not take my joy and peace away.  I will have joy even in the moments that I would rather have a pity party for myself.  “But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you.” – Psalms 5:11 

Life is full of lessons and reminders.  And there is a joy and peace when it does not makes sense to have it when you are walking the journey with your Creator.  What lessons or reminders has God given you when life is crazy and tough?

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