Posts Tagged: tired

8. When Waiting Gets Tiring…

On August 30, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Marlo & Co, Uncategorized

Have you ever waited for something for a while and it takes longer than you expected it to be?  You think I have waited long enough and whatever you are waiting on can come to fruition anytime now.  This is where I was a couple weeks ago.

Part of my season of rest has been waiting for God to lead me to my next step.  It is easy to say “I am good and just trusting God.” when asked how are life is going.  But then there are times that this isn’t true.  In the beginning, the waiting wasn’t that bad.  But after a couple months of resting and waiting on God’s timing, it caught up to me.

It was a Monday afternoon and I was watching a Steve Harvey clip that came up on my Facebook.  In this clip, Steve talked about how God got him to where he is today and that if God can do it for him then God can do it for you too.  And as I heard those words tears started to come to my eyes. I realized at that moment the waiting in this season was being to wear on me.  And that even though I trust God and His timing for my life, I realized in that moment I was starting to doubt.  I was getting tired of my season.  In this season of rest, I have gotten so many no’s and the no’s started to wear on my spirit and emotions.

I started to doubt and question… If I had done the right thing by quitting my job with no job in sight? Was that really what God wanted me to do?  Was it what I needed to do for myself?

That night I went to the Bible study and we chose one person to share what we were struggling with.  And when it was my turn, part of me wanted to just shut down what I was feeling but I knew I needed to share.  As I began to share with my friend, tears came to my eyes again and they kept coming as I talked about my feelings and doubts.  After my friend prayed for me and I shed some tears, I felt better.  My doubts and feelings were still there but after that I was reminded that I was not alone in my journey.

I realized it is ok for me to have these doubts and feelings but it is what I do with them that is the important part.  If I decided to dwell on my doubts and feeling rather than sharing them with someone else and giving them to God.  It would have lead to worry, worry to anxiety, and anxiety to stress.  Worry, stress and anxiety robs us of our peace and joy.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  – Matthew 6:25-34

Another lesson I have learned through this season of waiting and rest, is that I do not have the right to say when my waiting is up.  Because when I try to make things happen that are not meant to happen yet, I am taking the role of God in my life.  I am not trusting Him.  He is  sovereign and knows what is best for me.  He sees the whole picture, I don’t.  I only see life through my view.  The reasons as to why my waiting period has not ended could be limitless.  There maybe something that God is trying to teach me or He wants me to truly learn what it means to trust Him or maybe I am suppose to be available to help or encourage someone.  But I do know that God can deal with my questions, feelings and doubts.  When I make the choice to go to God with my feelings, questions and doubts, though they may not all be solved, my peace and joy returns because I am trusting Him in the season of waiting.
***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about my burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***
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6. Broken

On June 13, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

I remember the day that I had my way up call, I remember feeling so broken.  Like there wasn’t anything that could take all my broken pieces that I felt that day and make sense of them let alone put that back together.  I felt like glass that was shattered into a million shards of glass.  I wasn’t sure what to do with my brokenness that day.  Along with feeling broken, I felt empty and tired like there was not left in me anymore to give.  Looking back I realize that being broken is where He wanted me because it meant that I was at the end of my rope.  And I could no longer do anything to fix the broken pieces within me because I did not have the energy or the desire to do so.

In the midst of this broken feeling, I knew I needed to give the feeling of brokenness to God. I had to rely on Him completely. At this point with feeling the way I did that day, it meant that I was at the point that I was willing to surrender and possibly walk away from everything I knew career wise.  Because He was and is the only one that can take my broken, empty and tired self and make me whole again. I knew that He would start by taking my shatter pieces, putting them together to make sense of my brokenness and that it would eventually create a beautiful picture again.

“He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

While giving to this feeling of brokenness to God, did not change anything physically and emotionally about my situation that day.  But it did mean that I did not have to walk alone through this journey of becoming whole again and that He is going to heal my brokenness.

“Even when times are rough and you are in ‘deep waters’ God will be right by your side, leading and guiding you through your worst.” Isaiah 43:2

 

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about my burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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4. “I’m tired.”

On June 3, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

“I’m tired.”

These are words that have been coming up over and over again in the last year.  And when I say them tears come to my eyes.  And when I first realized this about a year ago, I had no clue what they meant to me.  I only knew then that it was related to my job.  And I knew that it was not a physical tired but an emotional tired.  I continued to try to sort out what this tiredness meant to me and my career on my own.  I would have moments of vulnerability with friends where I would share what I was experiencing.  But reality is that I could not figure it out.  And as time keep going I become more emotionally tired and I cried much easier than before.  I did not understand the emotions that was experiencing.  I am a person likes to know why and so I do not do well when I am experiencing emotions that I don’t understand.

While this was all going on in me, I kept this persona of a strong and independent woman.  Because I did everything (lived, worked and worshipped) in my community and the role I had in my community as an advocate/social worker; I had to be those things.  Or I believed I had to be.  I was the one that people came to when most were at their lowest point.  My job was to empower them through these moments, show them hope in the hopeless situations and provide resources for them to move forward in life.

While I was doing helping others dream for themselves, inside over time I had quit dreaming.  I had allowed life to stifle my creativity.  I had allowed my own exhaustion to take over when I had down time.   If I did not have plans after work or on the weekends, I would just go home and watch TV.  I was too exhausted emotionally to do anything else.  I would try to work on things and it would take me much longer than it needed to.  I was not motivated to do things that I needed to do once I was home.

October of last year, I decided that I needed to go to counseling since I was not figuring things out on my own.  In the beginning my counselor, asked me if I think I am depressed.  And I would tell her “no because I don’t have what I consider the typical signs of depression.”  It was not until this spring that I was willing to admit that my counselor was right.  When I really looked at what happened and how I coped with things, reality is that I was going through a depression and I did not even know it.  And when I was asked about it, I was not willing to admit it.  There were several reasons as to why I wasn’t willing to admit it.

Part of it was pride – I was the one people come to when they needed help.

Part of it was stigma of society – There is a stigma that society carries about depression and everything that comes with it.

Part of it was that I had to admit that I was weak and that I do not have it all together. – For all my adult life, I had been this strong and independent woman because I had to be.  And admitting that I was depressed was admitting that I am not as strong as I thought because I could not do it on my own.

In this last couple months, I was really honest with myself and where I truly was and am at emotionally.  And I have come to realize that it is ok for me to admit this.  Because when I admit this.  I am admitting that I can not do life alone and that I need my Creator to lead me through this journey.

And that in my darkest moments, He is right there with me.  “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

He has the clarity and direction that I need.  “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

He has the provision that I need.  “And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” 2 Corinthians 9:8

He has this unconditional love that I need.  “neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:39

He has the peace that I need.  ” Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

He has the joy I need. “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” John 15:11

He has the strength I need. “But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; shall run and not be weary; shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

He has a plan for me and my life even in my broken and empty state.  “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

 

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