Posts Tagged: burnout

9. Trying to Hide my Brokenness

On January 2, 2020 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Since leaving my career in social work, I have come to realize how unhealthy I was emotionally. While I was in it, especially in the last year, I knew life was hard but I thought I was dealing with it ok.  If you had asked me, “how are you doing?”  I would have probably say “ok” or “good” and I truly believed that.  The funny thing I thought I was carrying it well and that I was fooling the people around me. But in all reality I was not doing well and I was not fooling those that were around me especially those that were the closest to me.  And when you are not doing well emotionally, there are signs that begin to show physically and emotionally.

Physically, I did not have the energy that I needed to get everything done that was needed to get done.  I have been told by friends that I had a glaze in my eyes especially at the end of my career in social work.  And that I looked like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders; that I carried myself in a slouched manor.  Weeks after I left my career in social work, I personally noticed that my eyes seemed to be brighter.  And I had so many people compliment on my eyes.  I thought it was amusing because my eye color had not changed.  About a month after I quit, I had a friend who was talking to me and in the middle of this conversation, he stopped and said ” you have really pretty eyes.  Its like they are glossier than normal eyes and I can see joy in your eyes.”

For me emotionally, I would have crying spells and not knowing why.  Or things would not get done that needed to get done or they would take me twice as long as they would.  I did not have the ability to focus on things like I should have.  It took me 5 months after, I started therapy to admit that I was depressed.  Even to this day, it is hard for me to admit that.  I know that is crazy but it is the truth.  I know some of this is because of the stigma depression carries in our society.  And the other part is that I was the person who was helping others through their life trials and emotional illnesses.  I was the one who was the strength and the advocate for others as a social worker.  It was hard to admit that I, the pillar for others, was just as broken as the person I was helping.  I was just broken in a different way.

Reality is, that we all have something that we are struggling with no matter where you are at in life and what your economic status is.  Economic status is not the only definition of poverty.  Poverty is the lack of resources in these areas of your life: financial, language (ability to speak in formal register), emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, support systems, relationships/role models and knowledge of middle class hidden rules(this is according to Dr. Ruby Payne).  I look at this list and last year I was impoverished in more than one area of my life.

So no matter how much I tried to hide my poverty and brokenness, it still came out in ways that I could no longer hide.  Maybe if I had to be willing to admit this sooner, I might of not gone through everything I went through.  But reality is that some of these things were going to happen no matter either way because some of them were out of my control and others needed to happen for me to reach the end of my rope.  And once I reached the end of my rope, I was willing to trust God to lead my life.  I was no longer trying to figure things out because I did not have the energy to.  I was just resting in His presence because that was all I could do.

Life is a journey and it is in this journey that we walk through some valleys and mountain tops.  And no matter whether we are in the valley or the mountain top there will be storms that we are going to weather.  It will be hard to weather these storms but you don’t need to do it alone.  God is right there with us as we walk through this journey called life.

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

“Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

So if you are not doing well, be willing to admit it and reach out to someone who can help you through it.  Sometimes this is God, a friend or a licensed counselor.  If you need a counselor, look for a counselor in your area or check out Open Path Collective.  Admitting you need help is not a weakness but a strength.

 

 

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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7. Rest

On August 10, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Marlo & Co, Uncategorized

At the beginning of this year, the words God gave me for this year was rest and trust.  In January, I had no idea how that would how literally this would play out in my life this year.  And honestly when God gave me these words I did not understand why He gave them to me.

Ten weeks ago when I quit my job, my plan was to take a week off (that was going to packed full of things) and then start a new job the next week.  Key words here is MY PLAN.  Not God’s plan.  I did have a job offer but I turned it down for numerous reasons.  So I ended my last job with no new job.  During the week after I quit my job, God pressed it on my heart to take a significant amount of time off before I start something else and for me to go away by myself.

In the first month of not working, I had no desire to work any job.  And it caught me by surprise that I did not want to work.  Anyone that knows me personally knows working is something that I have always done and I see value in it.  And it would give me anxiety when I do not have an ongoing income to pay bills and live on.  But not having the desire to work showed me that I needed this time to rest.  I needed time for my physical body, emotional being and my spiritual being to be able to rest and heal.

Six weeks after I quit my job, I went on vacation by myself for 12 days! Yes, you read that right, I went by myself to the Finger Lakes region in New York.  During this time I was able to sight see, meet up with a total stranger to trade a photoshoot, I visited a new church twice, chased the sunset one night, try iced custard made out of duck eggs, sit at a local coffee shop and work on my business for a few days, read a couple books, go see a movie alone, reconnect with some family that was in the area, and most importantly I took the time to connect with God and listen to his voice.  Where I was staying there was not internet or TV to distract me from hearing God’s voice.  In these 12 days God spoke to me and I learned what it means to rest and just stop without rushing to the next thing.

I am grateful for this season of rest.  I do not regret that I took time for this season.  It was a season that I needed.  In this season, God has provided for me in more than just finances.  And He has given me clarity and direction as to where He has called me to.  He met me in the moments that I was anxious and unsure that I had done the right thing.  He has spoken to me through the Bible, my time with Him and through other people.  God has walked with me through this season of rest and healing.

Out of this season I have gained and learned some things:

  • I have joy again.
  • I truly have peace now.
  • I am happy again.
  • I have learned more about myself.
  • I have learned more about who God created me to be.
  • I have learned more about how broken I truly was and how other people saw it in me.
  • I have learned that I had even deceived myself about my brokenness and emotional state.
  • I have a deeper relationship with God than I have ever had.
  • I have learned to rest and the importance of it.
  • I have learned to trust and have faith in God in a new way.
  • I have learned more about community and how it is crucial to have.
  • I have a zeal for life again.
  • I am starting to utilize my creativity again.
  • I have learned that my brokenness does not mean that my story is over.

It is important to take time to rest and take time alone for anyone but especially for those in ministry or in a profession that helps others.

“Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” (Luke 5:16)

“Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself.” (John 6:15)

Jesus did this on a regular basis.  And if Jesus had to do this how much more important is it for us humans.  We need to have a rhythm and focus in our life that allows us to have rest and focus on our relationship with God.  We need to slow down in life and not always be rushing off to the next thing. While you may not be able to take time off of work for a couple months to rest like I have; it is still important to integrate rest in our lives in a regular basis.

 

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about my burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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Meet Marilyn

On July 13, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

I realized that I never did an introduction blog post about me.  So here it is; along with an announcement about some changes that are coming to the blog.

My name is Marilyn.  I am the creator of this blog and Marlo & Co.

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Photo credit: Acorns + Aperture

I am an aunt to a small tribe of nieces and nephews.  They keep me young and love to hang out with me.  I love creating memories with them.

I am a business owner of Marlo & Co.  I love to celebrate stories.  I identify myself as a photographer and storyteller.  I love to hear other people’s stories and love to capture them.  I believe that everyone has a story to tell and that their story matters.  My favorite way I do this is through my Rocking Chair Story Session.  This is a session where I get to sit down and listen to a senior’s story then capture it in a book that is created just for them.

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My love for seniors started at a young age.  My great grandparents lived with my grandparents.  I look back at the memories that we made and love that I got to spend time with them as a child.  Once of my memories is asking my great grandfather to hold a doll for us while we played.  He hated this doll.  We knew this and I think we did this to see the look of annoyance on his face.

If you have been following this blog for anytime, this blog talks about my faith and relationship with God.  This is one of the most important relationships that I have in my life.  I am grateful that the Creator of the universe wants to have a relationship with me through Jesus.  And that I do not have to do life alone.  If you want to know more about this, just ask me!

Talking about relationships, I love relationships! I have been created to be a very relational person and love to spend time with those around me.  If you ever meet me in person and or work with me, most likely we will become friends.  I believe we are all created for relationships and community with each other.

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This is one of my favorite people, Danielle, and myself at a concert in the middle of February.

In May 2019, I retired from the social work field.  I was in it for 10.5 years.  I loved every moment of it.  I left the social work field because of burnout.  I did not realize how real and intense burnout can be until I experienced it.  I am still recovering from it.  I have taken time off to just rest in God and to just be.  I am currently writing a blog series on my experience of burnout.  Here is the link for first post in my burnout series.

I am essentially starting all over in life right now.  It is a weird but exciting feeling to be doing this in my mid thirties.  I get to recreate what I want my life to look like.  This is something that not everyone gets the privilege to do so.  Or rather are too scared to do so because of the unknown.  Living in the unknown has its moments but I would not want to be in any other spot than this right now at this moment because God is teaching me valuable lessons that I will carry with me and share with others.

Fun facts about me:

Tacos are my love language!IMG_5208

I love red shoes and red lipstick.

Traveling and exploring new places is one of my favorite things to do. 

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Certified by state of Pennsylvania for floriculture and horticulture. 

My first language/dialect was PA Dutch not English. 

I have a hidden talent of sarcasm and silliness (only comes out when I am comfortable with you). 

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I bought my sister and her family a van for Christmas last year!

I am the oldest of 4 girls.

I am an introvert.

So…. here is my announcement!  I am going to be making some changes to this blog.  I will still write about my relationship with God and what I am learning along the way.  But I am going to add more content.  This content will show more of me as a whole rather than just one side of me.  It will include blog posts from my work as a photographer/storyteller and some fun personal things.  I will include more photos with the blog posts than I do now.  I am excited to share these topics with you!

I want you to do one thing so I can meet you!  Share a fun fact about yourself in the comments so I can get to know you!

 

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1. My wake up call

On May 9, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

In the spring of 2018 I was headed to The Living Room, a young adult church service, I asked God to wreck me that night (be careful what you ask God for).  Boy, He did! During worship I cried through it all. When I thought about my job/career, I just cried and I did not know why.  The only word that came to mind is that I am tired.  God continued to wreck my life in that last year.

In the fall, I had another encounter with God at The Living Room.  I cried through worship again especially when I thought about my job.  But there was nothing in particular that I could pinpoint.  The only thing that came to mind that I was tired.  I did not completely understand what that meant but I knew it was emotionally.

I would talk to co-workers and friends about what I was feeling but not understanding what I was feeling and why.  And every time I talked about it, I would get teary eyed.  I finally decided to go for counseling to help me understand what I was feeling.  It is frustrating when you have feelings but you don’t understand or know where your feelings come from.

These feelings would cycle every couple months.  And each cycle it would get stronger and worse.  My last cycle came at the end of March 2019.  This cycle lasted a couple days with off and on periods of crying.  It ended with a day where it seemed like everything fell apart.  I could no longer keep my front up that everything was ok. I am known as the strong one with my family and friends. I had to be vulnerable with people that are in my life that day because my emotions could not be held in as I had done so many times before. I had to admit that I was struggling. I cried so much that day that I did not think it was possible for me to have that many tears in my eyes and that there would be tears left in my tear ducts.  I remember feeling so broken.

But this day was a wake up call for me.  It was this day that I realized that I was willing to admit that I was experiencing burn out and depression because of the burn out.  That day I realized that I needed to make a change in my life.  Because if I didn’t it would not be healthy for me or for the people that I am serving.

God was present with my through the whole day.  He placed people in my life that took time in their day to stop, listen and pray for me.  I am grateful for the community that He placed in my life to help me get through this day.

One of the things that kept going through my head in this last cycle of burnout, was that I have been in the same career for 10 years, which was social work.  If I didn’t do social work, what would I do? Can I truly start over with my career?  Will I be able to pay my bills if I leave my current job?  Could I actually do it?  Will I fail? Do I have enough of confidence and trust in God to walk away from what I have known for so long?  There were so many questions that kept cycling in my mind over and over again as I thought about maybe starting all over in life again.

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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