Monthly Archives: June 2019
Emotions & God’s truth
“Way maker
Miracle worker
Promise keeper
Light in the darkness
My God
That is who you are” – Way Maker
Yesterday I got news that a friend died from cancer. He leaves behind a wife, family and friends who are grieving his death. Tonight at church I had a hard time singing these lyrics to this song as I was processing my friend’s death. All a sudden I could not sing these words because I started to question why God did not heal my friend. If He is the miracle worker and promise keeper, why did He not heal my friend on this earth so that his family and friends do not need to feel this pain of him not being on this earth anymore?
There are many questions you ask when you are grieving and hurting. And it is hard to understand why God did not heal my friend on this earth. Why did my friend’s healing needed to include his death on earth? Why did he have to die at such young age? Why does his family and friends have to go through this pain? I do not have answers for these questions. I am a person that likes to know why. I do not know why my friend died and this truth is hard to grapple with.
Death has a hurt associated with it on earth as we as humans grieve a loss. Because this pain hurts and it is so real. I have felt it in the past and feel it now. Emotions are real and they are given to us by God to help process and experience life. But sometimes we have to be careful that we do not get caught in the hamster wheel of hopelessness when we are processing and experiencing our emotions.
In a time of grief, we can feel hopeless in our pain. But reality is that we can feel hope in a hopeless time. Tonight as a wrote out what I was feeling in my planner, I came to the conclusion that Jesus is my hope. Because He the source of my hope, I can have hope even when it seems hopeless. He does not break His promises to us. He is the source of miracles whether they are received here on earth or in heaven. He is a way maker when it seems like there is no way out. And my feelings do not negate these truths in this moment or any other moment.
Hannah in the Bible experienced this. In the midst of her pain of being barren, she cried out to God with her emotions but she anchored her hope in God even though her situation and pain did not change immediately. Her situation was hopeless and seemed impossible. Eventually she did receive her miracle of a son.
“In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.”
“Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”
Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”
She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.” 1 Samuel 1:10-20
So tonight as I write this blog post, I may not understand why my friend’s death occurred. And the emotions I am feeling are real but tonight I chose to believe God’s truth over my emotions. And I choose to anchor my hope in Jesus because He helps to carry my emotions as I walk this journey in what may seem hopeless at times.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE_M9noEhNE&w=560&h=315]
6. Broken
I remember the day that I had my way up call, I remember feeling so broken. Like there wasn’t anything that could take all my broken pieces that I felt that day and make sense of them let alone put that back together. I felt like glass that was shattered into a million shards of glass. I wasn’t sure what to do with my brokenness that day. Along with feeling broken, I felt empty and tired like there was not left in me anymore to give. Looking back I realize that being broken is where He wanted me because it meant that I was at the end of my rope. And I could no longer do anything to fix the broken pieces within me because I did not have the energy or the desire to do so.
In the midst of this broken feeling, I knew I needed to give the feeling of brokenness to God. I had to rely on Him completely. At this point with feeling the way I did that day, it meant that I was at the point that I was willing to surrender and possibly walk away from everything I knew career wise. Because He was and is the only one that can take my broken, empty and tired self and make me whole again. I knew that He would start by taking my shatter pieces, putting them together to make sense of my brokenness and that it would eventually create a beautiful picture again.
“He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
While giving to this feeling of brokenness to God, did not change anything physically and emotionally about my situation that day. But it did mean that I did not have to walk alone through this journey of becoming whole again and that He is going to heal my brokenness.
“Even when times are rough and you are in ‘deep waters’ God will be right by your side, leading and guiding you through your worst.” Isaiah 43:2
***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about my burnout and things I have been learning through this. They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***
5. Joy and Excitement
Joy and excitement … it’s not something that is familiar to me recently or even in the last year. My feelings in the last year, I think for the most part have been nonexistent/numb to keep status quo or there has been sadness as I process things that had happened or that were going on inside of me. Don’t get me wrong, I have had moments of joy and when they happen I try to take note of them.
At church recently we sang a song called “Raise a Hallelujah.” And I was overcome with joy as we sang this song.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2XtRuPfaAU&w=560&h=315]
I had a friend make a comment to me in the last year about my smile. He said to me “Your smile is different tonight.” I commented back him “I always smile.” He replied with “Tonight’s smile is different. It’s been a while since I have seen that smile.” As we talked about it more, I told him that a sense of joy came the night before and had not left yet. He wondered if there was anything different that would have caused the joy. I could not remember anything different that would have caused the joy to come. But it was refreshing to have it. In some ways his comment caught me off guard initially. But it got me thinking how often to I smile and it is a cover up or it’s just something out of habit. Or how often is my smile a genuine smile. A smile of happiness, joy and excitement.
Last night we had an amazing sunset and I got to capture it. And as I was walking back to my car, I caught myself smiling and feeling excited because I knew that I got to witness and capture one of God’s amazing wonders.
I would have moments of joy at my former job with participants completing their own goals working towards self sustainability. This is one example a participant found a full time job with benefits that would lead to self sustainability for her and her children eventually.
During this transition of leaving a career that I was in for 10.5 years, the most common question that I got “are you excited for what is next?” And I would generally reply with “I don’t feel the excitement yet.” And that is expected when you are leaving something you love. It’s been two weeks since I left my career in social work and I would say the excitement is still not here.
Being excited is living in a place of expectancy and eagerness for what is next. I live in a place of trust and expectancy for God’s plan for my life even when I do not know the next steps. And maybe someday the excitement will come but for now I will take the moments of joy that come and live in this place of trust. It is in this place of trust that I feel safe to continue to process what is going on inside of me even when I do not understand myself. But I know that I have a Father who knows myself more than I do. He is leading me through this season of life that seems so unfamiliar to me in some ways but yet so familiar in other ways.
***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this. They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***
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