Monthly Archives: May 2019

3. Fear and Anxiety

On May 27, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

About two days after I gave my notice at work that I was quitting on May 23rd, the fear and anxiety set in.  That Wednesday morning at work, I was feeling anxious to the point it was the closest thing I ever felt to anxiety attack.  My muscles in my back tensed up and the tension lasted for days.

These questions kept coming up in my mind.

What did I do? I am leaving a job and a career that I love and is stable.  I am giving up my comfort and stability by quitting my job.

How am I going to pay my bills?

Am I going to be homeless?  Am I going to lose my car because I can’t pay my car payment?

And the questions and thoughts went on and on.

That morning I kept telling myself God’s truth and that He was going to provide for me because I was following His will.  It frustrated me that anxiety was winning that morning and for the few days after.  Because no matter how much I tried to apply God’s truth in my life, it didn’t seem to help.  I hated that my emotions were over shadowing the truth I knew.  But that morning and the few days to follow, I did know that even in the midst of this anxiety; I had a peace that I made the right decision about my future.

The fear and anxiety is not something I was prepared because I have peace in my decision.  And this fear and anxiety is something that came and went in my last couple weeks of work.  I am sure it will come and go again as I try to figure out the next steps that God has for me next.

Sometime after me giving my notice at work, God gave me a visual for this season of life.   The first phase of the visual is that God is holding my hand and leading me into my future.  But I can only see up to His wrist and the rest of Him and what is ahead of me is covered with a dense fog that I can’t see anything else but His hand holding mine.

A few weeks after this morning, I was at church and it was the first time that I admitted to myself and God that I am scared for this new season of life.  A season of unknowns, a season of trusting in God and a season of peace.  That night is where God lifted a little more of the dense fog in the visual He has given me for this season.  I could see up to His shoulder and a few days after I could see up to the back of His head as He is leading me.  He is leading me like a Father leads a child.  And this child is in complete trust of the Father because the child knows that the Father has the best intentions for the child.  The Father will provide safety and provisions for the child.

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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2. Unshakeable Peace

On May 13, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

As emotionally unsettling my last burn out cycle was for me, I still felt peace through it all.  The day that I had my wake up call, there was a peace that was with me.  That day as I talked to different people I felt more peace about what I thought that God was asking me to do.  Most of the people I spoke with that day offered words of encouragement and comfort.  There was a few that gave me permission to make the decision to close a chapter in my life.  The permission was a relief because the last thing I wanted to do is to leave my team at work in a lurch.  This last year has been trying and hard at work and we have been through a lot of transition.  So this would not be an ideal time for me to leave my job.  But there is really no ideal time to leave a job.  By the end of the day, I felt a different level of peace.  I knew that I would be ok no matter what decision I made.

Over the next fews days, as I thought about my future and what God was asking me to do.  I felt this unshakeable peace and I tried to shake it to make sure it is real.  But I couldn’t shake it.  Three days after my wake up call, I woke up feeling a peace that I never felt before.  It was like a heavy blanket of peace over me.  I realized that I did not want to leave this peace.  Under this blanket of peace, I felt at rest even though I did not know what was next.

Three days later, I met with my supervisor and I told her that I will be putting my notice in at work.  Walking away from this meeting I felt a freedom and peace because I knew I was in God’s will and I was at rest.  I didn’t know what was next.  But I knew that God was in it where ever I was headed next after I was done at work.

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

There are things that they don’t tell you when you quit your job without a plan of what is next.

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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1. My wake up call

On May 9, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

In the spring of 2018 I was headed to The Living Room, a young adult church service, I asked God to wreck me that night (be careful what you ask God for).  Boy, He did! During worship I cried through it all. When I thought about my job/career, I just cried and I did not know why.  The only word that came to mind is that I am tired.  God continued to wreck my life in that last year.

In the fall, I had another encounter with God at The Living Room.  I cried through worship again especially when I thought about my job.  But there was nothing in particular that I could pinpoint.  The only thing that came to mind that I was tired.  I did not completely understand what that meant but I knew it was emotionally.

I would talk to co-workers and friends about what I was feeling but not understanding what I was feeling and why.  And every time I talked about it, I would get teary eyed.  I finally decided to go for counseling to help me understand what I was feeling.  It is frustrating when you have feelings but you don’t understand or know where your feelings come from.

These feelings would cycle every couple months.  And each cycle it would get stronger and worse.  My last cycle came at the end of March 2019.  This cycle lasted a couple days with off and on periods of crying.  It ended with a day where it seemed like everything fell apart.  I could no longer keep my front up that everything was ok. I am known as the strong one with my family and friends. I had to be vulnerable with people that are in my life that day because my emotions could not be held in as I had done so many times before. I had to admit that I was struggling. I cried so much that day that I did not think it was possible for me to have that many tears in my eyes and that there would be tears left in my tear ducts.  I remember feeling so broken.

But this day was a wake up call for me.  It was this day that I realized that I was willing to admit that I was experiencing burn out and depression because of the burn out.  That day I realized that I needed to make a change in my life.  Because if I didn’t it would not be healthy for me or for the people that I am serving.

God was present with my through the whole day.  He placed people in my life that took time in their day to stop, listen and pray for me.  I am grateful for the community that He placed in my life to help me get through this day.

One of the things that kept going through my head in this last cycle of burnout, was that I have been in the same career for 10 years, which was social work.  If I didn’t do social work, what would I do? Can I truly start over with my career?  Will I be able to pay my bills if I leave my current job?  Could I actually do it?  Will I fail? Do I have enough of confidence and trust in God to walk away from what I have known for so long?  There were so many questions that kept cycling in my mind over and over again as I thought about maybe starting all over in life again.

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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