Posts Tagged: Feelings

2. Unshakeable Peace

On May 13, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

As emotionally unsettling my last burn out cycle was for me, I still felt peace through it all.  The day that I had my wake up call, there was a peace that was with me.  That day as I talked to different people I felt more peace about what I thought that God was asking me to do.  Most of the people I spoke with that day offered words of encouragement and comfort.  There was a few that gave me permission to make the decision to close a chapter in my life.  The permission was a relief because the last thing I wanted to do is to leave my team at work in a lurch.  This last year has been trying and hard at work and we have been through a lot of transition.  So this would not be an ideal time for me to leave my job.  But there is really no ideal time to leave a job.  By the end of the day, I felt a different level of peace.  I knew that I would be ok no matter what decision I made.

Over the next fews days, as I thought about my future and what God was asking me to do.  I felt this unshakeable peace and I tried to shake it to make sure it is real.  But I couldn’t shake it.  Three days after my wake up call, I woke up feeling a peace that I never felt before.  It was like a heavy blanket of peace over me.  I realized that I did not want to leave this peace.  Under this blanket of peace, I felt at rest even though I did not know what was next.

Three days later, I met with my supervisor and I told her that I will be putting my notice in at work.  Walking away from this meeting I felt a freedom and peace because I knew I was in God’s will and I was at rest.  I didn’t know what was next.  But I knew that God was in it where ever I was headed next after I was done at work.

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

There are things that they don’t tell you when you quit your job without a plan of what is next.

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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1. My wake up call

On May 9, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

In the spring of 2018 I was headed to The Living Room, a young adult church service, I asked God to wreck me that night (be careful what you ask God for).  Boy, He did! During worship I cried through it all. When I thought about my job/career, I just cried and I did not know why.  The only word that came to mind is that I am tired.  God continued to wreck my life in that last year.

In the fall, I had another encounter with God at The Living Room.  I cried through worship again especially when I thought about my job.  But there was nothing in particular that I could pinpoint.  The only thing that came to mind that I was tired.  I did not completely understand what that meant but I knew it was emotionally.

I would talk to co-workers and friends about what I was feeling but not understanding what I was feeling and why.  And every time I talked about it, I would get teary eyed.  I finally decided to go for counseling to help me understand what I was feeling.  It is frustrating when you have feelings but you don’t understand or know where your feelings come from.

These feelings would cycle every couple months.  And each cycle it would get stronger and worse.  My last cycle came at the end of March 2019.  This cycle lasted a couple days with off and on periods of crying.  It ended with a day where it seemed like everything fell apart.  I could no longer keep my front up that everything was ok. I am known as the strong one with my family and friends. I had to be vulnerable with people that are in my life that day because my emotions could not be held in as I had done so many times before. I had to admit that I was struggling. I cried so much that day that I did not think it was possible for me to have that many tears in my eyes and that there would be tears left in my tear ducts.  I remember feeling so broken.

But this day was a wake up call for me.  It was this day that I realized that I was willing to admit that I was experiencing burn out and depression because of the burn out.  That day I realized that I needed to make a change in my life.  Because if I didn’t it would not be healthy for me or for the people that I am serving.

God was present with my through the whole day.  He placed people in my life that took time in their day to stop, listen and pray for me.  I am grateful for the community that He placed in my life to help me get through this day.

One of the things that kept going through my head in this last cycle of burnout, was that I have been in the same career for 10 years, which was social work.  If I didn’t do social work, what would I do? Can I truly start over with my career?  Will I be able to pay my bills if I leave my current job?  Could I actually do it?  Will I fail? Do I have enough of confidence and trust in God to walk away from what I have known for so long?  There were so many questions that kept cycling in my mind over and over again as I thought about maybe starting all over in life again.

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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Enough

On March 23, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Ever had God shows you a glimpse of where you are going next? And when He does this for us most of the time our response is to not step into it or even take steps towards it.  Because it is the unknown and most of the time we fear the unknown.  Fear has been my response.  And He has had to give me definite signs time and time again that there is the direction He wants me to go in the last two years.

One of the signs was in 2017, I applied for graduate school and did not get accepted in it.  Granted by the time that I got my answer I was hoping that I would not get accepted because I knew I needed to invest into an idea I had for my business.  Because I knew that if I did not see where it went that I was going to regret it.  In the the last year, I have had multiple opportunities where others invested in my business and me.  Each time it confirmed the direction that He had for me.

But through this all I still struggled with myself and the direction that God has called me to.  I struggled with myself because I love my career in social work and the community I work in.  And I love visual storytelling and photography especially with elderly.  There was this tension between the two because I felt that if I leave social work I am leaving a career that I have built and love for over 10 years.  And I was letting myself and others around me down by leaving social work.  But I knew that if I did not see where my business might go that I was going to regret that and I could not live with that. (I don’t live life with too many regrets.)  Last summer I realized that I could merge the two in my business.  I could do coaching and mentoring with other business owners especially with visual storytelling and photography.

Fear and feelings of inadequacy has been my next struggle when it comes to pursuing my business as a full time gig.  I have stability with my career in social work.  And leaving that stability scares me!  For those that don’t know, I am single.  That means that I am the only bread winner in my household.  I do not have a significant other to fall back on financially if the business would not work out.  So I need to make sure that I when make the transition from social work career to entrepreneurship that I must an revenue that can support me and my business.  When I think of the revenue that is needed for this, fear and inadequacy kicks in overdrive.  This will then paralyzes me to the point that I don’t do anything.  It is then that I realize that I am relying on my own independence (man, independence is a STRONG streak in me! Anyone else have this issue?) and that I am not relaying on Him.  I know that these are struggles that everyone goes through and can identify with.

The last 4 months has been a season that has challenged almost everything in every area of my life.  But the growth that I have had in this season has been tremendous and I am have the deepest relationship with God than I ever have had.  And it would be easy for me to not work on my business in this season because of everything that is going on.  But this season has also confirmed the direction that full time entrepreneurship is something I want and something He has for me in the future.

The other day I was journaling and God told me this “You may feel inadequate or that you are not good enough or that you do not know enough or imposter syndrome is kicking in but I knew all this and I still gave you this dream.  I still gave you a new purpose.  I am enough to conquer all fears, inadequacies and imposter syndrome.  Rely on me because I am enough.  They are all there when you started anything new in life especially in social work. But you relied on me, pushed through those things and did it scared.  Because I am enough it makes you enough to be able to do what I have called you to do next.”

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:6-7

These verses show that God’s promised are true and that He wants His best for me.  And that I should not fear when He calls me to new places because He is walking the journey with me, He goes before me and that when I am walking in His purpose for me things will work out according to His will.

When you are called to new things, is your response okay lets go God or is it a response of fear?

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Certainty in Uncertainty

On December 27, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Recently when I have looked at life, it seems to be filled with a bunch of uncertainty.  Even in some the most certain things in my life there is uncertainty.   While this can and sometimes does cause anxiety or worry but I have learned there these two emotions don’t get me anywhere.  Worry keeps me in this place of uncertainty.  “Worry is like a rocking chair – it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”― Dorothy Galyean(This quote is attributed to several people so I am not sure where it originated from.)  While worrying gives me something for my mind to be occupied with, it does nothing other than keeping my brain busy thinking about something other than the One who can do something about the circumstance(s) I am worrying about. 

I do know there is one thing that I can trust in and be certain about is my Creator and who He is.  I know that I can trust in Him as He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.” Hebrews 13:8

So when life is full of uncertainty, I choose to believe in the One the who is certain because He knows the future and is sovereign over it all.  I have to make a conscious choice to choose this rather than my default reaction of worry and anxiety.  I also make the choice of joy in the uncertainty because I choose to trust in the One who is certain.  And from these choices there comes peace in my Father.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7

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Lessons in the Storm

On December 6, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Recently I have been faced with one of the hardest things that I have had to go through in my adult life.  While I am still in the midst of it all, there are a few things I have learned in last couple weeks.

  • I have learned that no matter what my circumstances are God never changes, His love for me never changes and His character never changes.  Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”  And in life’s hardest moments, He remains faithful.  He is here as a quiet still and peaceful presence through the storm.

He is here with me in my sadness.

He is here with me in the joyous moments.

He is here with me in the moments that I don’t understand.

He is here with me when I pretend to be ok and ignore my feelings.

He is here with me when I don’t understand my feelings and can’t put a name to it.

 

  • I have learned that having community/relationships is so vital to get through life.  And it is in community that I have be vulnerable.   In being willing to share with others and I realize that I am are not alone.  Being vulnerable is risky but it is so worth it.  There is healing that can happen for myself and the other person(s) when I am vulnerable.

 

  • Allowing the community to love and care for me is important.  I am good at caring for others but I am not always good at letting others care for me. When I don’t allow others to do this for me, it robs them of the gift to care for me.  And as humans, we are created for relationship and community.  And a healthy community cares for each other.

 

  • I have learned to live in a tension of not knowing the truth but while still dealing with my emotions that may or may not be based out of reality.  It is not an easy tension to live in but is a necessary tension for me to live in.  But as I live in this tension I also rest in God.  I rest because I trust in Him as He can see whole puzzle and I only see my pieces and those pieces around me.

 

  • I have learned to admit that I am not ok when I am not ok.  And that life is hard sometimes.  And this is a hard for me to learn.  I have kept a protective wall around me that not many people pass through in general, especially when I am not doing ok emotionally.  I have learned in life to have this wall there because of past hurts and it is easier to not let people in when there is a chance to be hurt again.  But when I keep people at an arm’s length, I am only putting myself on an island.  In this island, I am on my own trying to survive and it is much harder than it needs to be sometimes.  And if I take myself off the island and take down the wall, I will not be alone and I will have others who will be there to walk beside me in life.

There is a song that I have been identifying with the last couple weeks.

Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
‘Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s all right if I’m not all right
‘Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life

“Maybe It’s Ok”by We are Messengers.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl5GcRrJLyw&w=560&h=315]

  • I have learned that grief and sadness goes in ebbs and flows. While I am ok most of the time, there are moments where it will comes what seems like out of nowhere.  And I have learned to allow myself experience the emotion that comes with it but not allow myself to stay there longer than I need to be.

 

  • I have learned to praise God in the midst of the storm.  It is in the storm that the praise is even more sweeter than when the storm ceases.  When I praise God in the midst of the storm, I am putting my eyes on Him rather than the storm.  He is more powerful than the storm that is in my life.  He provides peace in the midst of the storm.

 

While I don’t know when this will end, I do know that God with me in the midst of the storm.  He is teaching me new things in this storm.  I trust Him in the midst of the storm.

If you are going through a hard season in life, look at what you can learn through it all.  Look to the peace in the storm rather than focusing on the storm.

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The costs of being jaded

On July 6, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

I have been in social services for almost 10 years and in these 10 years I seen and experienced a lot.  I have gotten to meet many people through the years.  Many I was able to help but more importantly there were many that taught me life lessons.  I think of the man who taught me how to be present and actively listen rather than think of the next thing I am going to say or do  I think of the individuals who have worked so hard to get ahead but life keeps hitting them with hard moments.  But they chose to continue working towards their goals and not allow life circumstances to determine their direction of their life.

As I continued to work in social services, I became jaded.  Webster’s dictionary defines jaded as: fatigued by overwork or made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience or by having or seeing too much of something.  And I almost wore this jaded filter as a badge of honor.  I thought it was okay to view my clients that I worked with through this jaded filter.  In some ways, I thought I was being wise when I looked at my clients with this jaded filter.  I remember telling a coworker that I can tell she is early on in her career because of the hope and optimism that she has in a situation with a client.

I was on the way to work one morning and someone was talking on the radio about people who are jaded.  And how this jaded filter is not something that we should have.  It caught me by surprise but the more I thought about it, I realized this person was right.

I believe that every decision and belief have reactions with they good, bad or both. And having the jaded filter has reactions in our lives and the lives of those around us.  The problem with being jaded especially in social services, you are indirectly telling that person they are going to fail with what ever they are working towards.  And being jaded causes you to be cynical rather hopeful not only in the lives of our clients but also in our own lives.  Being jaded also has you always looking for the worst in a person or you have the belief that the person will never change.

I think often we adapt this jaded filter because it “protects” us from being hurt or vulnerable with others.  Another thing that happens when you have a jaded filter for a long time is that you quit dreaming for yourself and others.  This keeps most of our relationships more at a surface level and we miss the blessing that can comes from being willing to walk beside someone in their journey.

And the last affect that the jaded filter has, we are deciding the future for the person from our point of view.  We are believing what society, life circumstances or labels say about someone rather than what God says about them and who they are.

When in relationships with people, we need to be wise but we also need to be willing to get vulnerable and show them that their journey matters to us and more importantly to God.  And live in a way that others see that the belief that no one is too far gone and that they can be redeemed by God.  And they can live in the blessings that God has for them.  We are called to build relationships with others and God, walk the journey with them and believe in others even when they do not believe in themselves.

So have you become jaded?  If so what is being jaded costing you and those around you?

 

 

 

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Restlessness

On January 3, 2017 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Part of having a blog of this nature, is being transparent and vulnerable with others.  I do not talk about my struggles in this area of my life very often let alone for all the world to see.  But I know this is something that God wants me to share with you all.

In the last month, I have been feeling a restlessness about my singleness.  Most days I am happy single, love where I am at in life and would not want it any other way.  But this restlessness kept coming back off and on this last month. This was more than usual.   New Years eve this year it all came to a head for me.  I was feeling lonely and just sick of being single(I watched a Hallmark movie which didn’t help my feelings).  Tired of doing life alone as a single woman.  Instead of continuing to ruminate in it, I decided to have a heart to heart with God that night before I feel asleep.  I laid in my bed with my journal and just poured my heart out to God.  I wrote about the feelings that I was having for about the last month or so.  And just gave it to Him and let Him love on me.  Did this change my singleness? No.  And yes I am sure I am still going to struggle with this from time to time.  But by the end of writing several pages, I felt loved by my Father and not lonely.

Whether this part of my life will ever change, I am okay with this because I know who God says who I am!  And He has an amazing journey planned for me.  I also know that I would rather be in God’s will and be single than being out of His will and be married or in a relationship.  And no circumstance or feelings I am experiencing will change that. This is a beautiful fact.  This New Years eve I have learned to embrace my feelings but in that then give it to God rather than ruminate on it.  I also relearned no circumstance or feeling is going to change who God says I am.

 

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