Posts Tagged: uncertainty

6. Broken

On June 13, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

I remember the day that I had my way up call, I remember feeling so broken.  Like there wasn’t anything that could take all my broken pieces that I felt that day and make sense of them let alone put that back together.  I felt like glass that was shattered into a million shards of glass.  I wasn’t sure what to do with my brokenness that day.  Along with feeling broken, I felt empty and tired like there was not left in me anymore to give.  Looking back I realize that being broken is where He wanted me because it meant that I was at the end of my rope.  And I could no longer do anything to fix the broken pieces within me because I did not have the energy or the desire to do so.

In the midst of this broken feeling, I knew I needed to give the feeling of brokenness to God. I had to rely on Him completely. At this point with feeling the way I did that day, it meant that I was at the point that I was willing to surrender and possibly walk away from everything I knew career wise.  Because He was and is the only one that can take my broken, empty and tired self and make me whole again. I knew that He would start by taking my shatter pieces, putting them together to make sense of my brokenness and that it would eventually create a beautiful picture again.

“He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

While giving to this feeling of brokenness to God, did not change anything physically and emotionally about my situation that day.  But it did mean that I did not have to walk alone through this journey of becoming whole again and that He is going to heal my brokenness.

“Even when times are rough and you are in ‘deep waters’ God will be right by your side, leading and guiding you through your worst.” Isaiah 43:2

 

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about my burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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5. Joy and Excitement

On June 9, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

Joy and excitement … it’s not something that is familiar to me recently or even in the last year.  My feelings in the last year, I think for the most part have been nonexistent/numb to keep status quo or there has been sadness as I process things that had happened or that were going on inside of me.  Don’t get me wrong, I have had moments of joy and when they happen I try to take note of them.

At church recently we sang a song called “Raise a Hallelujah.”  And I was overcome with joy as we sang this song.

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I had a friend make a comment to me in the last year about my smile.  He said to me “Your smile is different tonight.” I commented back him “I always smile.”  He replied with “Tonight’s smile is different.  It’s been a while since I have seen that smile.”  As we talked about it more, I told him that a sense of joy came the night before and had not left yet.  He wondered if there was anything different that would have caused the joy.  I could not remember anything different that would have caused the joy to come.  But it was refreshing to have it.  In some ways his comment caught me off guard initially.  But it got me thinking how often to I smile and it is a cover up or it’s just something out of habit.  Or how often is my smile a genuine smile.  A smile of happiness, joy and excitement.

Last night we had an amazing sunset and I got to capture it.  And as I was walking back to my car, I caught myself smiling and feeling excited because I knew that I got to witness and capture one of God’s amazing wonders.

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I would have moments of joy at my former job with participants completing their own goals working towards self sustainability.  This is one example a participant found a full time job with benefits that would lead to self sustainability for her and her children eventually.

During this transition of leaving a career that I was in for 10.5 years, the most common question that I got “are you excited for what is next?”  And I would generally reply with “I don’t feel the excitement yet.”  And that is expected when you are leaving something you love. It’s been two weeks since I left my career in social work and I would say the excitement is still not here.

Being excited is living in a place of expectancy and eagerness for what is next.  I live in a place of trust and expectancy for God’s plan for my life even when I do not know the next steps.  And maybe someday the excitement will come but for now I will take the moments of joy that come and live in this place of trust.  It is in this place of trust that I feel safe to continue to process what is going on inside of me even when I do not understand myself.  But I know that I have a Father who knows myself more than I do.  He is leading me through this season of life that seems so unfamiliar to me in some ways but yet so familiar in other ways.

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

 

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Enough

On March 23, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Ever had God shows you a glimpse of where you are going next? And when He does this for us most of the time our response is to not step into it or even take steps towards it.  Because it is the unknown and most of the time we fear the unknown.  Fear has been my response.  And He has had to give me definite signs time and time again that there is the direction He wants me to go in the last two years.

One of the signs was in 2017, I applied for graduate school and did not get accepted in it.  Granted by the time that I got my answer I was hoping that I would not get accepted because I knew I needed to invest into an idea I had for my business.  Because I knew that if I did not see where it went that I was going to regret it.  In the the last year, I have had multiple opportunities where others invested in my business and me.  Each time it confirmed the direction that He had for me.

But through this all I still struggled with myself and the direction that God has called me to.  I struggled with myself because I love my career in social work and the community I work in.  And I love visual storytelling and photography especially with elderly.  There was this tension between the two because I felt that if I leave social work I am leaving a career that I have built and love for over 10 years.  And I was letting myself and others around me down by leaving social work.  But I knew that if I did not see where my business might go that I was going to regret that and I could not live with that. (I don’t live life with too many regrets.)  Last summer I realized that I could merge the two in my business.  I could do coaching and mentoring with other business owners especially with visual storytelling and photography.

Fear and feelings of inadequacy has been my next struggle when it comes to pursuing my business as a full time gig.  I have stability with my career in social work.  And leaving that stability scares me!  For those that don’t know, I am single.  That means that I am the only bread winner in my household.  I do not have a significant other to fall back on financially if the business would not work out.  So I need to make sure that I when make the transition from social work career to entrepreneurship that I must an revenue that can support me and my business.  When I think of the revenue that is needed for this, fear and inadequacy kicks in overdrive.  This will then paralyzes me to the point that I don’t do anything.  It is then that I realize that I am relying on my own independence (man, independence is a STRONG streak in me! Anyone else have this issue?) and that I am not relaying on Him.  I know that these are struggles that everyone goes through and can identify with.

The last 4 months has been a season that has challenged almost everything in every area of my life.  But the growth that I have had in this season has been tremendous and I am have the deepest relationship with God than I ever have had.  And it would be easy for me to not work on my business in this season because of everything that is going on.  But this season has also confirmed the direction that full time entrepreneurship is something I want and something He has for me in the future.

The other day I was journaling and God told me this “You may feel inadequate or that you are not good enough or that you do not know enough or imposter syndrome is kicking in but I knew all this and I still gave you this dream.  I still gave you a new purpose.  I am enough to conquer all fears, inadequacies and imposter syndrome.  Rely on me because I am enough.  They are all there when you started anything new in life especially in social work. But you relied on me, pushed through those things and did it scared.  Because I am enough it makes you enough to be able to do what I have called you to do next.”

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:6-7

These verses show that God’s promised are true and that He wants His best for me.  And that I should not fear when He calls me to new places because He is walking the journey with me, He goes before me and that when I am walking in His purpose for me things will work out according to His will.

When you are called to new things, is your response okay lets go God or is it a response of fear?

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Certainty in Uncertainty

On December 27, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Recently when I have looked at life, it seems to be filled with a bunch of uncertainty.  Even in some the most certain things in my life there is uncertainty.   While this can and sometimes does cause anxiety or worry but I have learned there these two emotions don’t get me anywhere.  Worry keeps me in this place of uncertainty.  “Worry is like a rocking chair – it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”― Dorothy Galyean(This quote is attributed to several people so I am not sure where it originated from.)  While worrying gives me something for my mind to be occupied with, it does nothing other than keeping my brain busy thinking about something other than the One who can do something about the circumstance(s) I am worrying about. 

I do know there is one thing that I can trust in and be certain about is my Creator and who He is.  I know that I can trust in Him as He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.” Hebrews 13:8

So when life is full of uncertainty, I choose to believe in the One the who is certain because He knows the future and is sovereign over it all.  I have to make a conscious choice to choose this rather than my default reaction of worry and anxiety.  I also make the choice of joy in the uncertainty because I choose to trust in the One who is certain.  And from these choices there comes peace in my Father.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7

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