Posts By marloandco

2. Unshakeable Peace

On May 13, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

As emotionally unsettling my last burn out cycle was for me, I still felt peace through it all.  The day that I had my wake up call, there was a peace that was with me.  That day as I talked to different people I felt more peace about what I thought that God was asking me to do.  Most of the people I spoke with that day offered words of encouragement and comfort.  There was a few that gave me permission to make the decision to close a chapter in my life.  The permission was a relief because the last thing I wanted to do is to leave my team at work in a lurch.  This last year has been trying and hard at work and we have been through a lot of transition.  So this would not be an ideal time for me to leave my job.  But there is really no ideal time to leave a job.  By the end of the day, I felt a different level of peace.  I knew that I would be ok no matter what decision I made.

Over the next fews days, as I thought about my future and what God was asking me to do.  I felt this unshakeable peace and I tried to shake it to make sure it is real.  But I couldn’t shake it.  Three days after my wake up call, I woke up feeling a peace that I never felt before.  It was like a heavy blanket of peace over me.  I realized that I did not want to leave this peace.  Under this blanket of peace, I felt at rest even though I did not know what was next.

Three days later, I met with my supervisor and I told her that I will be putting my notice in at work.  Walking away from this meeting I felt a freedom and peace because I knew I was in God’s will and I was at rest.  I didn’t know what was next.  But I knew that God was in it where ever I was headed next after I was done at work.

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

There are things that they don’t tell you when you quit your job without a plan of what is next.

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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1. My wake up call

On May 9, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

In the spring of 2018 I was headed to The Living Room, a young adult church service, I asked God to wreck me that night (be careful what you ask God for).  Boy, He did! During worship I cried through it all. When I thought about my job/career, I just cried and I did not know why.  The only word that came to mind is that I am tired.  God continued to wreck my life in that last year.

In the fall, I had another encounter with God at The Living Room.  I cried through worship again especially when I thought about my job.  But there was nothing in particular that I could pinpoint.  The only thing that came to mind that I was tired.  I did not completely understand what that meant but I knew it was emotionally.

I would talk to co-workers and friends about what I was feeling but not understanding what I was feeling and why.  And every time I talked about it, I would get teary eyed.  I finally decided to go for counseling to help me understand what I was feeling.  It is frustrating when you have feelings but you don’t understand or know where your feelings come from.

These feelings would cycle every couple months.  And each cycle it would get stronger and worse.  My last cycle came at the end of March 2019.  This cycle lasted a couple days with off and on periods of crying.  It ended with a day where it seemed like everything fell apart.  I could no longer keep my front up that everything was ok. I am known as the strong one with my family and friends. I had to be vulnerable with people that are in my life that day because my emotions could not be held in as I had done so many times before. I had to admit that I was struggling. I cried so much that day that I did not think it was possible for me to have that many tears in my eyes and that there would be tears left in my tear ducts.  I remember feeling so broken.

But this day was a wake up call for me.  It was this day that I realized that I was willing to admit that I was experiencing burn out and depression because of the burn out.  That day I realized that I needed to make a change in my life.  Because if I didn’t it would not be healthy for me or for the people that I am serving.

God was present with my through the whole day.  He placed people in my life that took time in their day to stop, listen and pray for me.  I am grateful for the community that He placed in my life to help me get through this day.

One of the things that kept going through my head in this last cycle of burnout, was that I have been in the same career for 10 years, which was social work.  If I didn’t do social work, what would I do? Can I truly start over with my career?  Will I be able to pay my bills if I leave my current job?  Could I actually do it?  Will I fail? Do I have enough of confidence and trust in God to walk away from what I have known for so long?  There were so many questions that kept cycling in my mind over and over again as I thought about maybe starting all over in life again.

***This is part of a series of blog posts of me sharing about burnout and things I have been learning through this.  They are numbered in the order that they are written in and to indicate that they are part of this series.***

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Enough

On March 23, 2019 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Ever had God shows you a glimpse of where you are going next? And when He does this for us most of the time our response is to not step into it or even take steps towards it.  Because it is the unknown and most of the time we fear the unknown.  Fear has been my response.  And He has had to give me definite signs time and time again that there is the direction He wants me to go in the last two years.

One of the signs was in 2017, I applied for graduate school and did not get accepted in it.  Granted by the time that I got my answer I was hoping that I would not get accepted because I knew I needed to invest into an idea I had for my business.  Because I knew that if I did not see where it went that I was going to regret it.  In the the last year, I have had multiple opportunities where others invested in my business and me.  Each time it confirmed the direction that He had for me.

But through this all I still struggled with myself and the direction that God has called me to.  I struggled with myself because I love my career in social work and the community I work in.  And I love visual storytelling and photography especially with elderly.  There was this tension between the two because I felt that if I leave social work I am leaving a career that I have built and love for over 10 years.  And I was letting myself and others around me down by leaving social work.  But I knew that if I did not see where my business might go that I was going to regret that and I could not live with that. (I don’t live life with too many regrets.)  Last summer I realized that I could merge the two in my business.  I could do coaching and mentoring with other business owners especially with visual storytelling and photography.

Fear and feelings of inadequacy has been my next struggle when it comes to pursuing my business as a full time gig.  I have stability with my career in social work.  And leaving that stability scares me!  For those that don’t know, I am single.  That means that I am the only bread winner in my household.  I do not have a significant other to fall back on financially if the business would not work out.  So I need to make sure that I when make the transition from social work career to entrepreneurship that I must an revenue that can support me and my business.  When I think of the revenue that is needed for this, fear and inadequacy kicks in overdrive.  This will then paralyzes me to the point that I don’t do anything.  It is then that I realize that I am relying on my own independence (man, independence is a STRONG streak in me! Anyone else have this issue?) and that I am not relaying on Him.  I know that these are struggles that everyone goes through and can identify with.

The last 4 months has been a season that has challenged almost everything in every area of my life.  But the growth that I have had in this season has been tremendous and I am have the deepest relationship with God than I ever have had.  And it would be easy for me to not work on my business in this season because of everything that is going on.  But this season has also confirmed the direction that full time entrepreneurship is something I want and something He has for me in the future.

The other day I was journaling and God told me this “You may feel inadequate or that you are not good enough or that you do not know enough or imposter syndrome is kicking in but I knew all this and I still gave you this dream.  I still gave you a new purpose.  I am enough to conquer all fears, inadequacies and imposter syndrome.  Rely on me because I am enough.  They are all there when you started anything new in life especially in social work. But you relied on me, pushed through those things and did it scared.  Because I am enough it makes you enough to be able to do what I have called you to do next.”

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:6-7

These verses show that God’s promised are true and that He wants His best for me.  And that I should not fear when He calls me to new places because He is walking the journey with me, He goes before me and that when I am walking in His purpose for me things will work out according to His will.

When you are called to new things, is your response okay lets go God or is it a response of fear?

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Certainty in Uncertainty

On December 27, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Recently when I have looked at life, it seems to be filled with a bunch of uncertainty.  Even in some the most certain things in my life there is uncertainty.   While this can and sometimes does cause anxiety or worry but I have learned there these two emotions don’t get me anywhere.  Worry keeps me in this place of uncertainty.  “Worry is like a rocking chair – it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”― Dorothy Galyean(This quote is attributed to several people so I am not sure where it originated from.)  While worrying gives me something for my mind to be occupied with, it does nothing other than keeping my brain busy thinking about something other than the One who can do something about the circumstance(s) I am worrying about. 

I do know there is one thing that I can trust in and be certain about is my Creator and who He is.  I know that I can trust in Him as He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.” Hebrews 13:8

So when life is full of uncertainty, I choose to believe in the One the who is certain because He knows the future and is sovereign over it all.  I have to make a conscious choice to choose this rather than my default reaction of worry and anxiety.  I also make the choice of joy in the uncertainty because I choose to trust in the One who is certain.  And from these choices there comes peace in my Father.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7

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Lessons in the Storm

On December 6, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Recently I have been faced with one of the hardest things that I have had to go through in my adult life.  While I am still in the midst of it all, there are a few things I have learned in last couple weeks.

  • I have learned that no matter what my circumstances are God never changes, His love for me never changes and His character never changes.  Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”  And in life’s hardest moments, He remains faithful.  He is here as a quiet still and peaceful presence through the storm.

He is here with me in my sadness.

He is here with me in the joyous moments.

He is here with me in the moments that I don’t understand.

He is here with me when I pretend to be ok and ignore my feelings.

He is here with me when I don’t understand my feelings and can’t put a name to it.

 

  • I have learned that having community/relationships is so vital to get through life.  And it is in community that I have be vulnerable.   In being willing to share with others and I realize that I am are not alone.  Being vulnerable is risky but it is so worth it.  There is healing that can happen for myself and the other person(s) when I am vulnerable.

 

  • Allowing the community to love and care for me is important.  I am good at caring for others but I am not always good at letting others care for me. When I don’t allow others to do this for me, it robs them of the gift to care for me.  And as humans, we are created for relationship and community.  And a healthy community cares for each other.

 

  • I have learned to live in a tension of not knowing the truth but while still dealing with my emotions that may or may not be based out of reality.  It is not an easy tension to live in but is a necessary tension for me to live in.  But as I live in this tension I also rest in God.  I rest because I trust in Him as He can see whole puzzle and I only see my pieces and those pieces around me.

 

  • I have learned to admit that I am not ok when I am not ok.  And that life is hard sometimes.  And this is a hard for me to learn.  I have kept a protective wall around me that not many people pass through in general, especially when I am not doing ok emotionally.  I have learned in life to have this wall there because of past hurts and it is easier to not let people in when there is a chance to be hurt again.  But when I keep people at an arm’s length, I am only putting myself on an island.  In this island, I am on my own trying to survive and it is much harder than it needs to be sometimes.  And if I take myself off the island and take down the wall, I will not be alone and I will have others who will be there to walk beside me in life.

There is a song that I have been identifying with the last couple weeks.

Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
‘Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s all right if I’m not all right
‘Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life

“Maybe It’s Ok”by We are Messengers.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl5GcRrJLyw&w=560&h=315]

  • I have learned that grief and sadness goes in ebbs and flows. While I am ok most of the time, there are moments where it will comes what seems like out of nowhere.  And I have learned to allow myself experience the emotion that comes with it but not allow myself to stay there longer than I need to be.

 

  • I have learned to praise God in the midst of the storm.  It is in the storm that the praise is even more sweeter than when the storm ceases.  When I praise God in the midst of the storm, I am putting my eyes on Him rather than the storm.  He is more powerful than the storm that is in my life.  He provides peace in the midst of the storm.

 

While I don’t know when this will end, I do know that God with me in the midst of the storm.  He is teaching me new things in this storm.  I trust Him in the midst of the storm.

If you are going through a hard season in life, look at what you can learn through it all.  Look to the peace in the storm rather than focusing on the storm.

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The Waiting Place

On November 29, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

God has been teaching me patience and to wait on his timing for probably the most of my life.  There are times in life that I have felt like I was in the waiting place(according to Dr. Seuss) for a long time and in many ways I am still in the waiting place.  Excerpt from Oh The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss:

“You can get so confused

that you’ll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.”

It is in this waiting place that we often get impatient and frustrated with God and life. And we can ruin what God make have in store for us.  Granted God can use us in all situations to even if its not in His plan but for His glory.  But where we may end up might not be as good as God intended us to be.  We humans have a way of getting in the way of God because we think that we know best for us.  But in reality the creature(us) does not see the whole picture like the Creator(God) does.  So how can we know what is best for us over the Creator that created us into existance.

Sometimes we need to stay in this waiting place for God to prepare us for something greater than we can imagine.  The waiting place is not an easy place to be but it is in that waiting place we can experience the peace and love of our Creator.  Even though we may have no idea what is going to happen next.  In uncertain times, there can be peace and joy because we have our Creator walking beside us in life.

Do I have life all figured out?  No, I will never on this earth but I do know that I am a child of God who has a God that loves me more than I can imagine and fathom.  (It still amazes me that God would love me and that He wants a personal relationship with me with millions of people on this earth.)  And I would rather be in the waiting place with my Creator than in a place on my own.  When we are in this waiting place, we need to sit back allow God to do the work and be ready to follow His calling for our lives out of the waiting place.

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A Decade of Lessons

On September 18, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

Last week marked 10 years that I am working in social services.  10 years! Wow, I can’t believe its been that long.  Part of me can’t believe I am old enough to have a professional working career that long.  The other part of me can’t believe how fast the 10 years went and feel my age with every ache in my body.

I didn’t know exactly what I was getting into when I started working in social services.  You see I kinda stumbled on this field.  When I was in college, I started out as a business management major.  I loved business and still do to this day but it didn’t feel like the right fit.  I met with a career advisor at my college and I was asked “Would you rather work with people or numbers?”  I can still remember sitting in the office as I answered “people.”  This person introduced me to human services(social services).  I had no idea such a field existed and did not know what to expect but I knew I wanted to work with people.  It was interesting trying to my family what human services was.  I finally just said “I would help people.”

Little did I realize that someone in social services played a huge part in my life.  This person changed the direction my life was going in.  They introduced my family to Milton Hershey School.  And because of this introduction, I was set on a path that allowed me to make better choices for my life.  One of the opportunities that was made available to me was to attend college and get double degrees in business management and human services.  This would most likely not been otherwise.

I remember being very early on in my career thinking 10 years was so far away.  I was not sure how long I would make it in the field..  When I took my first job in the field, I did not know what to expect.  I did not know how much I would grow, the people I would encounter, the stories that would touch my heart, the situations that would break my heart and the friends I would gain.

Here are a few things I learned along the way (Well it ended up being a lot more than a few.)

  • Things are not always as they seem.
  • You can not judge a person by just looking at them and if you do, most likely your judgement will be wrong.
  • Without significant relationship there is no significant change in your life and their life.
  • Building relationships with people can get messy but the rewards are far greater.
  • You have to take time to be present and listen to the person you are with.
  • Listen to the things that are not being said verbally.
  • You have to be willing to hear people out even when they are upset.
  • Remaining calm and listening when someone is upset usually results in them calming down eventually.
  • To be aware and observant of your surroundings.
  • It is better to “Teach a man to fish, because you feed him for a lifetime.” rather than “Giving a man a fish you feed him for a day.”  (Empowering rather than enabling) The quote is from a Chinese Proverb.
  • To do things scared and nervous, eventually they aren’t as scary and nerve racking and rewards are much better than the scared feeling.
  • When to speak up and when to let something go.  Not all battles are worth fighting or are mine to fight.
  • How to advocate and fight hard for someone when the system and or people fail someone.
  • As the person who empowers others, I can not want their change more than they want it.
  • It is better to confront someone directly about an issue that you have with them rather than not confronting it at all or dancing around the tree about the issue.
  • Hurt people hurt people.
  • When people are upset, most likely they are upset at the situation and not you.
  • Not to be so blunt and straightforward.  There is a time when that is needed but most of the time people need a softer approach.
  • To ask questions to help people arrive at their own solutions rather than giving them the solution you think they need.  Often their solution is better than yours. And often they already know the solution that they need.
  • That the process someone goes through is more important than the destination.
  • Tears are created by God when words can not express what breaks your heart.
  • Grief comes in many forms and it is pretty much the loss of anything.  It could include a loss of a person, loss of a relationship, loss of a life they thought they would live but can’t because of a major life change.
  • To not to change my word in the middle of another word, because it could sound like a word that is not appropriate for the work setting.  Thankfully I had a gracious family and they just laughed.
  • Walking the journey with others, looks different for each person.
  • Introduce yourself immediately when you are meeting someone for the first time and you are walking into their home.
  • Everyone’s journey matters

After 10 years, I am a more confident person.  I know who I am.  I know whose I am.  I have a deeper trust in God than I ever have.   I know that God walked this journey even in the hardest moments.  I know that God has given me the grace and the strength to walk this journey of social services for the last 10 years.  I am humbled that God chose me to walk this journey and that my participants have allowed me into their homes and into their lives.  I am grateful for the many lessons I learned along the way and look forward to what else God has to teach me.

 

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He cares

On July 24, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

There are times that we think of something we want.  And we think of ways to make this thing we want happen.  So often we don’t talk with our Creator about it.  We rely on our strength to make it happen.

Recently there was something in my life, that I have wanted for a while and originally when the opportunity came up I passed on it because of lack of finances.  This opportunity was possibly coming up again.  This time around I prayed and I envisioned myself taking advantage of the opportunity.  I thought through several options so that I could take advantage of the opportunity.  But God decided to take care of the finances so that I can take advantage of the opportunity!

A couple weeks, I was talking with a friend about their life and she told me that God recently provided her a sewing machine and a kitchen table.  The kitchen table was the exact color she wanted and it matches her kitchen cabinets!  These are both items that she wanted but due circumstances she was not able to get these items herself.

God does really care about our wants and needs!  “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” – Luke 12:7  I love that God cares for every detail of our lives!  He delights in providing for His sons and daughters.  God cared enough to not only provide a kitchen table for my friend but He cared enough to make sure it was one that matched her cabinets perfectly and it was the right size for her kitchen.  These are details that are so small but they made a huge impact on my friend and her faith.  In my situation, God cared enough to take care of the one barrier that was in my way and might I add it was a large barrier in my eyes.  But in His eyes the barrier was nothing!

So the next time you think that something is too small to take to God, think again!  Speak with Him about your wants and needs and then let them in His hands to take care of them for you.  And there are times that He will give us what we want.  He will always provide us our needs.  I am not saying that God is a genie that He will give you your every want and desire.  But I am saying that He want to hear about your wants and needs just like you would tell a friend about them.

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The costs of being jaded

On July 6, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - loved by the Father, Uncategorized

I have been in social services for almost 10 years and in these 10 years I seen and experienced a lot.  I have gotten to meet many people through the years.  Many I was able to help but more importantly there were many that taught me life lessons.  I think of the man who taught me how to be present and actively listen rather than think of the next thing I am going to say or do  I think of the individuals who have worked so hard to get ahead but life keeps hitting them with hard moments.  But they chose to continue working towards their goals and not allow life circumstances to determine their direction of their life.

As I continued to work in social services, I became jaded.  Webster’s dictionary defines jaded as: fatigued by overwork or made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience or by having or seeing too much of something.  And I almost wore this jaded filter as a badge of honor.  I thought it was okay to view my clients that I worked with through this jaded filter.  In some ways, I thought I was being wise when I looked at my clients with this jaded filter.  I remember telling a coworker that I can tell she is early on in her career because of the hope and optimism that she has in a situation with a client.

I was on the way to work one morning and someone was talking on the radio about people who are jaded.  And how this jaded filter is not something that we should have.  It caught me by surprise but the more I thought about it, I realized this person was right.

I believe that every decision and belief have reactions with they good, bad or both. And having the jaded filter has reactions in our lives and the lives of those around us.  The problem with being jaded especially in social services, you are indirectly telling that person they are going to fail with what ever they are working towards.  And being jaded causes you to be cynical rather hopeful not only in the lives of our clients but also in our own lives.  Being jaded also has you always looking for the worst in a person or you have the belief that the person will never change.

I think often we adapt this jaded filter because it “protects” us from being hurt or vulnerable with others.  Another thing that happens when you have a jaded filter for a long time is that you quit dreaming for yourself and others.  This keeps most of our relationships more at a surface level and we miss the blessing that can comes from being willing to walk beside someone in their journey.

And the last affect that the jaded filter has, we are deciding the future for the person from our point of view.  We are believing what society, life circumstances or labels say about someone rather than what God says about them and who they are.

When in relationships with people, we need to be wise but we also need to be willing to get vulnerable and show them that their journey matters to us and more importantly to God.  And live in a way that others see that the belief that no one is too far gone and that they can be redeemed by God.  And they can live in the blessings that God has for them.  We are called to build relationships with others and God, walk the journey with them and believe in others even when they do not believe in themselves.

So have you become jaded?  If so what is being jaded costing you and those around you?

 

 

 

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Unexplained Tears

On May 17, 2018 by marloandco With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

Last night I experienced something at church that I did not understand but yet there was a peace and sweetness about it.  When worship started, I felt the need to walk away from the crowd and find a spot to sit against the wall.  At my seat I started to get teary eyed.  But once I sat down against the wall on the floor in the back of the room, the tears started and did not stop.  As I sat there in my Father’s presence, I could not figure out why I was crying.  Rather than getting frustrated I just sat in the presence of God and let the tears fall.

During the time of me being present with my Creator, the only word that came to me was healing.  And two images came to mind.  The first image was my Father standing there with His arms open for an embrace.  The next image was me laying my head against the Father as if I was an embrace with Him.

While I was sitting there, I remembering wishing someone would come to pray with me.  I then felt the need to go to the next steps room for prayer during worship and I told God “I am not sure what I am asking for prayer, since I do not know why I was crying and I don’t know what is going on right now.”  A still voice said to me “You don’t need to know.  I know and I will give the person the words to say.”

I walked up to a friend, she hugged me and asked me “if everything is ok?”  I explained to her that I have no explanation for my tears, I can not stop crying and that I am not sure what was going on but I feel the need for prayer.  The Holy Spirit was right!  He did give her the words to pray and the exact words that I needed.

All this to say, sometimes God does something that we have no idea what is happening but through it there is a peace and sweetness.  I still am not completely sure what happened last night and I pray that I will understand someday.  But even if I never know what last night meant, I would do it all over again just to spend time in His presence.  There was a peace and sweetness in His presence that I want to experience over and over again!

 

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